Got to do some catching up on the news here. Late last month, four inmates escaped from the St. Tammany Parish Jail. This wouldn’t be so strange in and of itself, but the means of escape made this particular story quite notable.

As you may know, local governments throughout the state have been strapped for cash for quite some time now, so when it came to building a jail, the officials in St. Tammany, knowing quite well the increasing trend toward obesity among Americans, decided they could save some money by spacing the bars in the jail farther apart.

Well, that move apparently set a light bulb (or maybe a dimly lit candle) off in the heads of four of the prison’s inmates. Like most Americans, while they were enjoying a big bowl of Blue Bell Ice Cream and watching “The Biggest Loser”, they got an idea. By going on a crash diet, they could shrink themselves down to the size of Frenchmen and slip away through the widened space between the bars. So, for almost a year (these were big boys, mind you), they literally starved themselves to reduce thier massive girths.

The guards have only themselves to blame. They really should have noticed these guys religiously counting their Weight Watcher points in the mess hall.

The big day came on Thursday, June 18. Prison officials quicky put two and two together when the noticed the K-Y Jelly (which is known to be a commodity in correctional ceners) on the cell bars. Warnings were immediately issued to the public, alerting them that the escapees were “armed and famished”. They organized the largest manhunt ever in St. Tammany parish, with hundreds of deputies staking out every all-you-can-eat buffet within a fifty-mile radius.

Three of the escapees were recaptured within hours, found hiding in the woods outide the prison behind an oak sapling.

The fourth, Timothy Murray, eluded capture until the following Sunday. Murray found refuge by breaking into an unoccupied vacation home a few miles away. The homeowner returned late Saturday and became immediately suspicious when he noticed barbecue sauce stains on the patio table. He never saw Murray, as the inmate fled into the woods surrounding the residence. The only thing reported stolen was a couple racks of baby back ribs, a baked potato, and two 24-packs of peanut butter cups. “At least he did clean the grill before he left,” said the resident.

Deputies searched the woods and were led straight to Murray after they discovered footprints and a trail of peanut butter cup wrappers.