I will relate two recent news stories in an attempt to answer a burning question that I know is on the minds of most Louisianans. That is, “What is the general welfare of dogs in Rapides Parish?” Unfortunately, the answer these days is, “about as well as if Michael Vick had taken up residence there.”

I didn’t make either of these stories up. They both lend proof to this blog’s theme- the real news is so bizarre that satire isn’t necessary.

The first item sounds like something out of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. If you’ve seen the film, you may remember the scene where King Arthur and his knights were pelted with farm animals that were launched from a catapult. Well, in Alexandria, a man was arrested after he picked up a dog and threw it against a door during an argument. What could this guy have been thinking about? If one wishes to dramatize a point during a heated exchange, there are much better things to throw than the family pet. A glass of water, or, for the gentrified, a glass of wine, or, for the redneck, a can of Miller Lite, or, if you’re in the Army Corps of Engineers, the contents of a reservoir, emptied onto the face of one’s opponent can be quite effective. No, pets, like nuclear energy, should only be used for peaceful purposes. It’s a good thing there wasn’t any plutonium laying around handy.

In the other story, a Boyce man was arrested when he tried to choke a police dog after a parish deputy tried to stop him for a seat belt violation. Man, not wearing a seat belt must be quite a serious infraction in Rapides Parish telling from how this guy reacted. He led the deputy on a high speed chase, and when the car finally came to a stop, the K9 unit sicked one of their dogs on the suspect. He apparently responded by trying to strangle the dog. This guy must have been one mean dude to strangle a police dog. I mean, I don’t think they use miniature poodles in K9 units.

So, if you live in Rapides, you might want to consider keeping a tight leash on your furry companion until things settle down a bit.