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Gang violence, which until now has been a problem confined to major metropolitan areas in Louisiana, has now unfortunately spread to the swamps of Terrebone Parish. According to an AP report, a heretofore unknown band of thugs have apparently taken up residence within those murky waters. I am talking here about the tilapia.

You may be familiar with tilapia. It is a fish that appears on the menus in seafood restaurants and in the seafood section of the supermarket. In filet form, they are supposedly good eating, but alive, they are a real menace. The tilapia is a fish that originates from fresh water habitats in the country of Tilapio, which is a third-world nation so small and underdeveloped that nobody knows exactly where it is.

How the tilapia wound up in the waters of Terrebone Parish remains a mystery. One theory suggests that they were attracted to an abundance of food. According to Wikipedia, the fish have a preference for delicacies that include “detrius” and “filamentatious alga”. I’ve never heard of this stuff, but it sounds to me like garbage that even a catfish living in a drainage canal wouldn’t eat. I think from now on when I go to a restaurant I’m going to pass on the tilapia. I, for one, don’t want to be eating something that had ingested filamentatious alga.

I didn’t know much about the species, so I consulted my references- mainly one-star movies offered late at night on the Science Fiction Channel. What I learned was absolutely shocking. It seems that these fish like to organize into gangs or “tribes”. The most prevalent one, again according to Wikipedia, is called the “Tialapine Cichlid Tribe.” I think that this is fish speak for “Hell’s Pagan Lords of the Fiery Lake”. These gangs arm themselves with switch blades and swim around the swamp engaging in violent criminal activities of all sorts, with the aim of striking terror into all of the native fish. They leave threatening, symbolic graffiti tags on sunken logs and other jetsam around the swamp. Wherever they go, their intent is to drive out all of the native fish species and claim the waters as their own.

They are prolific breeders, and they apply for public assistance.

The following excerpt from Wikipedia says it all:

“…only the female looks after the eggs and fry, with the male offering no protection or help at all. Instead, they form leks where they compete with one another for further opportunities to mate with females.”

From the context, I took “leks” to mean, in fish speak, “warring gang factions”.

Terrebone’s native bass and perch, who have for centuries learned to co-exist peacefully despite their ethnic differences (we humans might have something to learn from them), banded together to face this invader. Their very survival was threatened. They did the only thing they knew how to do- appeal for help from the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries.

Wildlife and Fisheries, hearing the desperate pleas, swung into action. They quickly assessed the situation and concluded that the tilapia were indeed a true menace, and they must be totally eradicated regardless of cost. They infiltrated the tilapia gangs and learned that this endeavor would be difficult indeed, for these fish engage in tactics similar to those of urban guerrillas. They strike quickly and then slip into hiding in the muddy bottoms. They are believed to be actively recruited by the Taliban.

After carefully examining all available options, Wildlife and Fisheries officials knew that drastic measures had to be taken. The only answer was to flood the Terrebone swamps with 2500 gallons of rotenone. You may not have heard of rotenone, as it is a highly scientific word. Translated into layman’s terms, it is the aquatic equivalent of a neutron bomb. Its application causes the utter destruction of all living things in the water.

There is one problem. It seems that rotenone, per unit volume, costs about the same as 1787 Chateau Lafite Bordeaux. With the amount that’s needed, the total cost is more than I can calculate, but it’s got to have a few too many zeroes for this cash-strapped state.

No one bothered to consult with yours truly about this issue. I could have told them they’d save a lot of money had they just sent Boudreaux and Thibodeaux out into the swamp in a small boat with a few sticks of dynamite. Boudreaux and Thibodeaux would have done the job for free and probably would have even furnished the dynamite.

All they’d have asked in return would be to keep the tilapia they’d caught. The filamentatious alga I don’t think would have concerned them in the least bit.