I’m following with great interest all of the drama in the William “Dollar Bill” Jefferson bribery trial. In recent days, former staffers and business associates outlined in testimony the former congressman’s complicated business dealings.

Seems like Jefferson was involved in all kinds of ventures throughout the African continent- satellite radio (seems like they’re hungry for Howard Stern), oil, sugar, stuffed armadillos, kinky sex toys, you name it.

I frankly don’t know how any member of a jury can follow all of this. After all, it’s a well known fact that the lawyers don’t allow PhD’s in business and administration to serve on juries in these kind of proceedings.

For the Jefferson trial, the two sides eventually agreed to seat a group of students from Miss Matson’s 3rd grade class at Robert E. Lee Elementary in Manassas, Va, plus a turnip, which was chosen as foreman. Each signed a sworn statement that they had never operated a lemonade stand.

The proceedings revealed that Jefferson’s business dealings were indeed complex. They literally involving dozens of companies, many incorporated in countries that exist only in Middle Earth. No one really knew how it all was connected together. The only sure thing was that Jefferson’s relatives kept getting checks in the mail.

Prosecutors allege that Jefferson’s business dealings in Africa were, in fact, so complex that there is no way he couldn’t have violated at least “some law of some sort”.

“We have attempted to connect all of the dots,” claimed a prosecution attorney, “but the final picture just looks like a hairball that my cat coughed up.”

Reams of data were generated by a Justice Department supercomputer that is specially programmed to analyze hairballs. The analysis led to a firm conclusion that that Jefferson had indeed violated no less than sixteen different federal statutes.

The defense, on the other hand, painted a completely different image. They claim to have indeed connected all the dots, without a computer, and they even even colored it with Crayola crayons. The resulting picture, they say, was a duck.

After objections by the prosecution, the judge refused to allow the duck picture to be entered as evidence. This was on the grounds that, If the duck picture were admitted, then in all fairness the hairball would have to be admitted as well. This would have certainly caused severe prejudice among the jury, who would only have considered the hairball to be “yucky”.

Yesterday’s proceedings were adjourned upon the jury members’ requests for a box of crayons.