As a public service to our readers, we are bringing you this first in a series of “How-to” articles that are designed to answer many of the questions a first-timer might have regarding popular activities here in Louisiana. After all, we had to learn all of this stuff on our own when we first moved here from the Great White North. Hopefully, this will make the learning curve a bit easier.

Summertime finds a lot of new boaters on the state’s waterways. I once owned a boat for a brief period. I know it can be intimidating the first time. So, if you’re a newbie, let me walk you through the first thing you need to know in order to enjoy your new boat- how to start the motor.

To do this, follow these steps:

1. Untie your boat from the pier.
2. Start the motor by turning the key in the ignition. You may have to do this more than once, so patience is a key. You will know if your motor is started, as it will make a loud noise. If you can still hear birds chirping, try it again.
3. If after several tries, it still dies not sound like you are standing directly under a jet engine, then you must start it manually. As the boat begins drifting away from the pier, remove the cover from the motor, and attempt to start it using the pull cord.
4. Since you can never start a motor larger than the one on your weed trimmer using a pull cord (and that only occasionally), this will not work, but it was worth a try.
5. As your boat drifts out into open waters and toward the ship channel, pull out the oar and attempt to paddle back to the pier so that you can try to jump start the motor with your car.
6. Since it’s impossible to propel a boat that size with an oar, and you are now in the ship channel, signal the captain of the oncoming cargo ship with your emergency air horn.
7. Since the cargo ship is much too large to change course and avoid hitting you dead-on, put on your life jacket and jump overboard.
8. As you swim for the pier, allow your boat to be run over by the cargo ship and smashed into a zillion pieces.
9. Once you reach the shore, take off your life jacket and dispose of it in the nearest trash receptacle.
10. Get into your car and drive back home (assuming you were able to hang onto your keys through all of this). Smile contendly as you realize you have just eliminated one big headache in your life.

You did remember to buy boat insurance, right?