I have just tonight received a new e-mail from my other-worldly correspondant, Wanna Chuggah Brooski. I like to share these with my readers as soon as they show up in my inbox. This one comments on the reports of alien abductions that pop up from time to time.

Dear Mike:

While monitoring your planet’s video transmissions, I occasionally come across interviews with some humans who tell stories about having been abducted by extraterrestrials. I say that they are humans, but I am not actually certain of this, because these specimens generally have much fewer teeth than the rest of your species. I have postulated that it is because these individuals are herbivores. I was hoping you could clear this up.

I bring up this topic because I wish to assure you that our planet is by no means responsible for these abductions. Why would we waste precious fuel to come all the way to your planet to abduct such specimens as these? We have absolutely nothing to learn from them. We know all that there is to be known about these herbivorous members of your species by monitoring transmissions of the human named Jerry Springer.

If we were to abduct a human, we would select a specimen who is interesting, entertaining, or at least has some good whiskey to share. If Willie Nelson ever turns up missing from your planet, then you might well suspect us. He meets all of these criteria.

My apologies for making this a short note. I am very busy at this particular time conducting an extensive study at the request of our top scientitsts. They wish to understand what has happened to families of your planet from the time of Ozzie and Harriet to The Osbournes.

Regards,

Wanna Chuggah Brooski

Check out previous e-mails from my alien pen pal.