There is something that I have been holding back for a long time. I didn’t really want to tell anybody this, because I was afraid everyone would think I was nuts. Then I found out that everybody already thinks that way about me. So, I’ve decided to finally come out of the closet.

His name is Wannah Chuggah Brooskee. I don’t know why he picked me out of the entire human race as the one he wanted to communicate with. I like to think it is because of my superior intellegence.

This most recent e-mail comes on the occasion of the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11.

My normal correspondant’s brother sent this one. Seems that Wannah Chuggah Brooskee is deeply occupied researching back issues of the National Enquirer. He’s preparing a acholarly apaer about us Earth People that he’s going to present to some distinguished scientists on his planet. Someday I got to make a point to write him a long letter about that.

Dear Mike-

I have noticed that, on this day 40 of your years ago, the first Earth man stepped onto your moon. I researched your archives on the subject of space exploration, and I was astounded to discover that your species was able to accomplish this milestone within less than ten years after you first escaped your gravitational field. That was far less time than it took for our race to accomplish this.

What I am perplexed by is the lack of apparent progress among your scientists in the ensuing 40 years. By our calculations, had your race continued along the pace you had sustained up to the moon landing, you should currently have humans in orbit around the outermost planets of your solar system. Instead, you are now apparently having trouble trying to repair a flooding commode on one of your aging Space Shuttles.

Speaking for all of the members of our race, it is our sincere hope that the People of Earth get their space program back on track. We believe, based on the capabilities you have demonstrated, that you should easily be able to land humans on our world by the end of your current century. We sincerely anticipate this glorious day and look forward to the opening of a Starbucks on our planet soon thereafter.

Lastly, I have not noticed any mention in your archives of any space program by the Kingdom of Pop. I would have certainly expected that, under the late King Michael Jackson, they would have had a very ambitious one. Surely their nation has the resources for such an endeavor, given the lavish funeral accorded their recently deceased king.

By the way, we have analysed the broadcast of your human Neil Armstrong’s first words when he stepped on your moon. Apparently there is some controversy among you as to what he actually said. We for one fail to understand the apparent vast difference in meaning due to the omission of a single letter. Regardless, we believed it would be of benefit to you to apply our vastly superior technology to answer the question.

The results of our analysis conclude that the human Armstrong was clearing his throat.

Regards,

Wannah Cuppah Latteh

Here’s one from July 10 on the subject of Michael Jackson’s funeral:

Dear Mike-

I have been monitoring your world’s airwaves with great interest over the past few days. I notice that there was a large funeral held for a human who was named “Michael Jackson”. He must have indeed been a very important person , with all of the security presence. I do not think that any human’s death has received so much attention since Anna Nicole Smith.

Many of the reports on your airwaves referred to Michael Jackson as the “King of Pop”. I am quite perplexed about that. I cannot find a country called “Pop” on any of your maps. Can you kindly tell me where it is located? It must be a very powerful nation.

I have seen some of the video of Michael Jackson. In one of there, he was singing a song called “Beat It”, which I took to be his country’s national anthem. He was also walking backwards in the video –very much like we do here on our planet. It is almost as if he had visited us at one time and learned some of our customs.

I then saw some photographs of Michael Jackson when he was younger. This also perplexed me, because I noticed that he had changed color when he morphed into an adult. I did not think that this occurred in humans.

From what I have seen, Michael Jackson was quite an entertainer. His talents in this area compared very favorably with other human political leaders such as Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Al Franken. Humans seem to place a great emphasis on showmanship in selecting their leaders. We, on the other hand, select our leaders based on their knowledge and wisdom. Perhaps that is why my world is so much more boring than yours.

I also notice he wears a uniform. It is very much unlike the uniforms of the leaders of other countries. I wonder, though, if the country of Pop is so powerful, why couldn’t they replace his lost glove?

I am sorry to bother you with these questions, but I so much want to learn what is behind the peculiarities of your world.

Sincerely,

Wanna Chuggah Brooskee