A good friend of mine heard of this technique from some old timer, and so he shared it with me. It may work for other wild game gumbos as well. There’s probably a law against it somewhere, but when did that ever stop an ol’ coon-ass?

Ingredients:

Corn
Early Times Whiskey
Ducks
Your other favorite gumbo ingredients- roux, onions, green peppers, celery, spices, and the like.

1. Take the corn and soak it in the Early Times whiskey for several hours.
2. After the corn is well soaked, take it and spread it around on your lawn or even in your driveway.
3. Wait for the ducks to come, which they eventually will do. They are attracted to corn like a certain President is to television cameras.
4. Allow the ducks to forage on the corn, and then wait a short while. They will begin to show the tell tale signs of alcohol consumption, such as singing karaoke.
5. Once you notice these tell-tale signs, go out and grab a couple of the staggering birds by the neck. This should not pose to be a challenge.
6. Butcher the ducks, and prepare the gumbo according to your favorite recipe
7. Put on a pot of rice and enjoy.

I am told that the meat obtained from this method is very tender and not the least bit gamey, as the ducks will have suffered absolutely no trauma having been caught by this method. Lest the animal rights activists criticize me for publishing this, don’t you think that this is a better way for them to go than by the more traditional method, by which they neither get fed or get any whiskey?

As a public service to our readers, we are bringing you this first in a series of “How-to” articles that are designed to answer many of the questions a first-timer might have regarding popular activities here in Louisiana. After all, we had to learn all of this stuff on our own when we first moved here from the Great White North. Hopefully, this will make the learning curve a bit easier.

Summertime finds a lot of new boaters on the state’s waterways. I once owned a boat for a brief period. I know it can be intimidating the first time. So, if you’re a newbie, let me walk you through the first thing you need to know in order to enjoy your new boat- how to start the motor.

To do this, follow these steps:

1. Untie your boat from the pier.
2. Start the motor by turning the key in the ignition. You may have to do this more than once, so patience is a key. You will know if your motor is started, as it will make a loud noise. If you can still hear birds chirping, try it again.
3. If after several tries, it still dies not sound like you are standing directly under a jet engine, then you must start it manually. As the boat begins drifting away from the pier, remove the cover from the motor, and attempt to start it using the pull cord.
4. Since you can never start a motor larger than the one on your weed trimmer using a pull cord (and that only occasionally), this will not work, but it was worth a try.
5. As your boat drifts out into open waters and toward the ship channel, pull out the oar and attempt to paddle back to the pier so that you can try to jump start the motor with your car.
6. Since it’s impossible to propel a boat that size with an oar, and you are now in the ship channel, signal the captain of the oncoming cargo ship with your emergency air horn.
7. Since the cargo ship is much too large to change course and avoid hitting you dead-on, put on your life jacket and jump overboard.
8. As you swim for the pier, allow your boat to be run over by the cargo ship and smashed into a zillion pieces.
9. Once you reach the shore, take off your life jacket and dispose of it in the nearest trash receptacle.
10. Get into your car and drive back home (assuming you were able to hang onto your keys through all of this). Smile contendly as you realize you have just eliminated one big headache in your life.

You did remember to buy boat insurance, right?