I have a good friend whose great claim to fame was that, when he was in college, he used to play chess with John Hinckley, Jr. You remember him, right? He (John Hinckley, not my friend) was the guy who believed that the way to a girl’s heart was to shoot a President.
My friend told me that John was actually a really good chess player. See, it turns out John was always obsessed with trying to get girls, and he believed at the time that he could do it by becoming a chess master. He Knew he was of too small a build to play football. So his first attempt to attract the fairer sex was to become a rock star. Unfortunately, that failed to pan out, as when he tried to learn how to play guitar he almost lost a finger trying to tune it.
So, John turned to chess, and it worked too, in a way. Unfortunately, the girls he attracted all seemed to be of the wrong complexion. So, he went to the drug store to buy some benzoyl peroxide, but the pharmacist didn’t speak very good English, and he instead gave Hinckley a prescription for OxyContin. Life went progressively downhill from there for young John Hinckley.
Following that, Hinckley figured he might have better luck winning girls’ hearts by becoming a pool shark. He lacked somewhat for hand-eye coordination, so he attempted to compensate for it by using calculus to determine the proper angles at which to place his shots. It didn’t work very well, but he did wind up acing all of his math courses at school, and it earned him an offer of a Rhodes scholarship.
He turned the scholarship down, though, after an Internet search revealed to him that Queen Elizabeth had won the most recent Miss Rhodes Beauty Pageant. The Internet did exist back then, but not many people knew about it at the time because Al Gore had only recently invented it.
My friend had lost track of John after he’d got out of college, but, obviously he continued in his search for unique ways to attract women. That all culminated in his grand plan to win the heart of Jody Foster. My friend isn’t sure what made him decide to make Jody Foster the target of his affection. Had he set his sights on a girl with maybe a few less teeth, maybe he could have found his love mate by shooting a squirrel instead of a President, and he wouldn’t be in all of this mess he got himself in.
Then again, if he had only realized early on that if he had spent less time playing chess and more time watching TV commercials, it would have dawned on him that he only needed to use the right brand of after-shave.
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