There seems to be a “For Dummies” book covering every subject under the sun. However, I’ve uncovered a few holes in their extensive library.

I don’t know about you, but I’m astounded at the success of the “For Dummies” books. Here a publisher insults us with the title, and we just eat it up. I don’t think there is a bookshelf in America that doesn’t have at least a few of these volumes on it. I confess that I, myself, own several.

This whole phenomenon piqued my curiosity, so I went on over and did some research on Amazon.com. Do you know that they offer no less than 3,297 different books in the “For Dummies” series? Browsing through the listings, I found what seemed to be every subject imaginable- every software application, tech gadget, school subject, foreign language, musical instrument, you name it. The series even covers emotional states. For instance, there’s a “Happiness for Dummies”, but there’s also a “Grieving for Dummies”.

There’s even Dummies books for things I never even knew existed. Like “fibromyalgia”, for instance. I sure as hell don’t know what that is, but if I wanted to know, I’d pick up a copy of “Fibromyalgia for Dummies” straight away.

Then there’s subjects you think they would never touch. For instance, there’s a Dummies book for spamming, although they give it the more euphemistic title, “E-mail Marketing for Dummies”. By the same token they publish one on making paper airplanes. They call that one, “Paper Engineering for Dummies.”

I spent more of my time than it was worth going through these titles. Still, I did notice some topics that the publishers have yet to undertake. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t look forward to the release of “Thermonuclear Devices for Dummies”; however there are few new areas of subject matter I think would be instructive.

Here are a few examples:

1. Political Correctness for Dummies. Yes, we all know that the “n” word is totally off-limits, but that’s not enough in this day and age to avoid the watchful eye of society’s moral watchdogs. This volume would be a must read for those who wish to avoid the same fate as that of Don Imus following his ill-conceived gaffe about that women’s basketball team a few years back. You never know what people are going to be sensitive to. This book is sure to keep you off of Rev. Al Sharpton’s radar screen.
2. Goofing Off for Dummies. Admit it. There’s a little bit of the Dilbert character, Wally, in all of us. In these pages you will learn to do absolutely nothing while maintaining the appearance of a tireless workaholic. Teenagers and husbands alike will relish the chapter on how to avoid household chores. The “Ten Internet Time Wasters” chapter (hey- how did Road Kill Gumbo get in there?) is itself worth the price.
3. Rudeness for Dummies. Become the biggest horse’s patootie in your office, neighborhood, or organization. It’s chock full of tips for all aspects of daily life. Yes, we all know about taking an overflowing grocery cart through the express checkout, but what about these-
   • For Motorists- best time to park in handicapped spaces, ten offensive bumper stickers, most annoying music to blast on your 1000 watt car stereo system.
   • In the Neighborhood- best things to borrow and never return, how to keep your yard so that it depresses home values, how to start juicy gossip about the neighbor’s wife.
   • At the Office- Learn the best excuses for not making coffee. And How about going out to lunch every day and leaving your brown bag in the fridge? Don’t miss the chapter on “Office Supply Audacity”
4. Office Politics for Dummies. Let’s face it- not everyone has what it takes to get ahead in the corporate world purely on the basis of hard work and talent. So, if you can’t beat ‘em, brown-nose. This book will tell you how. Learn about the “Ten Ways to Take Credit for Your Co-workers’ Accomplishments”, and more.

I also noticed in my research that they have a Dummies book for just about every mental disorder known to man- from schizophrenia to obsessive-compulsive disorder. And while I’m not trying to belittle those topics, what about a book to address the most common of cranial deficiencies among people we deal with day after day-

5. Dummies for Dummies. That’s right, here’s how to cope with the blondes, career burger-flippers, and those blowhards who, as Lincoln’s once said, “can compress the most words into the smallest ideas…” No, you can’t remove them from the planet, at least not legally, but with this book you can deal with them until they dig their own graves, which most eventually do.

I also have a few ideas for titles by some of the competing publications, for instance:

6. Whine About Everything. I have an ex-boss from years back who could easily author this one. Chapters might include:
   • “How to Find A Reason to Send Back Any Restaurant Entrée”.
   • “How to Put Underpaid Customer Service Agents Through Hell”
   • “The Fine Art of Throwing a Tantrum”

7. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being a Nerd. Forget trying to climb the social ladder. It’s too hard keeping up with all of the fads. Nerds don’t have to worry about that stuff. And here’s a secret-you don’t even have to be smart. Just plug into activities that make people think you are- like playing Dungeons and Dragons every night until 3 AM. Forget Lasik surgery; wear eyeglasses as thick as the bottoms of coke bottles. Create a nice effect by leave an open pen in your shirt pocket. Wear different color socks- or no socks at all! Let your five year-old brother cut your hair. You’ll get these and thousands of other tips.
8. The K.I.S.S. Guide to Wal-Mart Greeting . Oh yeah, you think there isn’t an easier job in the world than being a Wal-Mart greeter. Well, guess again. You’ve been to Wal-Mart; you see the kind of people who shop there. And you have to stand there at the door day after day and smile and be nice to them! And you have to bite your tongue when you put the little return sticker on that video camera. You know, the one that the customer bought a just week or so earlier, in the interim shooting footage in thirteen European countries?

Well, those are some books that I’d like to see. I bet that eventually we’ll see these titles and more. If it wasn’t for the “Dummies” series and it’s kin, I think that Barnes and Noble would have filed for Chapter 11.

What titles would you like to see? I’m sure there’s a few I’ve missed.