Dear Readers,

Today, I got another communication from my pen-pal from the planet Laggah. It seems that the poor chap is quite confused about the climate change debate here on our planet:

Dear Mike,

I have noticed from your news transmissions that there have been many stories voicing concern about climate change on your planet. As I write this, many of your diplomats are meeting to determine how to stop your global temperature from increasing. They all express concern over the melting of water ice, I suppose because they require it to chill their bottles of champagne. I don’t know why this necessitates such a large international conclave. Can they not just switch to drinking hot sake?

Much of the terminology that is used in this debate deeply confuses me, and so I was hoping you could straighten this out for me. For one, there is all this talk about “Green House Gas”. I had not heard of a Green House. Is it similar to your “White House”? If I were you, I would be more concerned about the gas that has been emanating from that dwelling.

Then, there is all this discussion about the element carbon. For example, many of you humans seem to be concerned about “carbon footprints”. I do not know why this is, but if it is so controversial, can your people simply discontinue the practice of wearing shoes made of coal? I do not know what kind of feet your species has, but on our world we would find such shoes to be quite uncomfortable.

Truly it seems that discrimination against carbon is deep-seated among many of your people. I know that prejudice is problem among Earthlings, but it must be worse than I thought for Earthlings to extend this to the periodic table. You seem to love gold, hate carbon, and detest uranium, except for the Iranians, who can’t seem to get enough of it.

Take the human Al Gore, for one. He is always bragging about being “carbon neutral”, yet his words reveal his true feelings about the element. And what is this talk about “carbon caps”? That’s a worse idea than the shoes.

The last thing that perplexes me about your climate change discussions is this obsession that your species seems to have over the color green. Everyone seems to be high on the idea of “green energy”. I don’t understand. Doesn’t burning things while they are still green create a lot of smoke? Perhaps combustion works differently on Earth.

By the way, if you Earthlings love green so much, you will really get a kick out of the cheerleaders here on our planet.

Regards,

Wannah Chuggah Brooski

I’m not sure of the best way to answer this. Any ideas?

I have just tonight received a new e-mail from my other-worldly correspondant, Wanna Chuggah Brooski. I like to share these with my readers as soon as they show up in my inbox. This one comments on the reports of alien abductions that pop up from time to time.

Dear Mike:

While monitoring your planet’s video transmissions, I occasionally come across interviews with some humans who tell stories about having been abducted by extraterrestrials. I say that they are humans, but I am not actually certain of this, because these specimens generally have much fewer teeth than the rest of your species. I have postulated that it is because these individuals are herbivores. I was hoping you could clear this up.

I bring up this topic because I wish to assure you that our planet is by no means responsible for these abductions. Why would we waste precious fuel to come all the way to your planet to abduct such specimens as these? We have absolutely nothing to learn from them. We know all that there is to be known about these herbivorous members of your species by monitoring transmissions of the human named Jerry Springer.

If we were to abduct a human, we would select a specimen who is interesting, entertaining, or at least has some good whiskey to share. If Willie Nelson ever turns up missing from your planet, then you might well suspect us. He meets all of these criteria.

My apologies for making this a short note. I am very busy at this particular time conducting an extensive study at the request of our top scientitsts. They wish to understand what has happened to families of your planet from the time of Ozzie and Harriet to The Osbournes.

Regards,

Wanna Chuggah Brooski

Check out previous e-mails from my alien pen pal.