I read a story in the newspaper recently how researchers at Yale University have developed a car that will actually warn the driver of conditions that might result in an accident.  For instance, if another car moves up into the blind spot on your left, where you can’t see it in the mirrors, a probe comes out from the driver’s side door and gives you a sharp poke in the ribs as a warning.  If a car comes up and starts tailgating you, you get jabbed in the lower part of you back by another probe in the seat back.

This may be a good thing to give warning to a driver of impending accident-causing situations of which he may be otherwise unawares, due to the fact that he is busy chuckling over the latest dirty jokes that were sent to him by text message from his co-workers down at the loading dock.  However, if you routinely drive in rush hour traffic or, say, any school zone, you are bound to emerge from your car following each trip with more bruises than a New Orleans Saints lineman on Monday morning.

Me, I’d prefer to have a car that automatically sensed when some sunnavabitch cuts you off on the expressway. It would then automatically shoot a mechanical arm out the window to give him the finger and while at the same time firing off some choice words over a loudspeaker at a volume high enough that it could be heard at the other end of the state.  I’d prefer that option well over a satellite radio.

We had another eventful week here in the Pelican State. Here’s a summary of the top stories.

• A Justice of the Peace in Tangipahoa Parish has created a whirlwind of attention in the international media when he refused to marry an interracial couple. This story caused reporters from as far away as Russia to temporarily divert thier attention from President Obama and focus their crosshairs on Louisiana. And, although they couldn’t actually see the state from where they sat, it did not stop them from shooting wildly from the hip. The unfortunate result of this volley is that now the rest of the world views Louisiana as a bigoted, redneck state. We all know the truth, though, and that is that any self-respecting redneck would sit down and drink with anybody wh has cold beer, regardless of thier race or nationality.
• And speaking of our Grand Poobah, President Obama visited New Orleans last week to catch up on how things are progressing with the recovery from Hurricane Katrina. He got the predictable response from New Orlenians- that the city would be a veritable Emerald City if only the feds would give them lots more money fast(unless Mayor Nagin had his druthers, in which case the city would be a diferent color).

  The Wiz replied saying that if he could write a check, he would. The arthritis in his writing hand apparently has come on quite suddenly, probably from the city’s humid air. It should pass as soon as he gets back to Washington.

• The Saints further proved themselves a force to be reckoned with in the NFL by totally embarassing the now formerly undefeated New York Giants. Their quarterback, Eli Manning, is the son of Archie Manning of the Saints of yore. This further goes to show that, no matter how talented, a Manning just can’t win in New Orleans.

  Meanwhile, it’s reported from hell that Satan has changed into a long-sleeved shirt.

• Up in Wisconsin, a black bear wandered into a convenience store and made himself at home in the beer cooler. Wildlife officials ended up tranquilizing it, but if they had just waited a few hours that action probably wouln’t have been necessary. Rumors are the bear wandered up from Baton Rouge. I think it was the LSU cap that gave him away.

Dear Readers,

Today, I got another communication from my pen-pal from the planet Laggah. It seems that the poor chap is quite confused about the climate change debate here on our planet:

Dear Mike,

I have noticed from your news transmissions that there have been many stories voicing concern about climate change on your planet. As I write this, many of your diplomats are meeting to determine how to stop your global temperature from increasing. They all express concern over the melting of water ice, I suppose because they require it to chill their bottles of champagne. I don’t know why this necessitates such a large international conclave. Can they not just switch to drinking hot sake?

Much of the terminology that is used in this debate deeply confuses me, and so I was hoping you could straighten this out for me. For one, there is all this talk about “Green House Gas”. I had not heard of a Green House. Is it similar to your “White House”? If I were you, I would be more concerned about the gas that has been emanating from that dwelling.

Then, there is all this discussion about the element carbon. For example, many of you humans seem to be concerned about “carbon footprints”. I do not know why this is, but if it is so controversial, can your people simply discontinue the practice of wearing shoes made of coal? I do not know what kind of feet your species has, but on our world we would find such shoes to be quite uncomfortable.

Truly it seems that discrimination against carbon is deep-seated among many of your people. I know that prejudice is problem among Earthlings, but it must be worse than I thought for Earthlings to extend this to the periodic table. You seem to love gold, hate carbon, and detest uranium, except for the Iranians, who can’t seem to get enough of it.

Take the human Al Gore, for one. He is always bragging about being “carbon neutral”, yet his words reveal his true feelings about the element. And what is this talk about “carbon caps”? That’s a worse idea than the shoes.

The last thing that perplexes me about your climate change discussions is this obsession that your species seems to have over the color green. Everyone seems to be high on the idea of “green energy”. I don’t understand. Doesn’t burning things while they are still green create a lot of smoke? Perhaps combustion works differently on Earth.

By the way, if you Earthlings love green so much, you will really get a kick out of the cheerleaders here on our planet.

Regards,

Wannah Chuggah Brooski

I’m not sure of the best way to answer this. Any ideas?

More insanity around the state in the week just passed:

• A lot of people are up in arms about a closed door meeting that a grop of state legislators have scheduled in Alexandria on the subject of redistricting based on the results of the 2010 census. Organizers defend the move as legal, claiming that it is “educational” in nature.

  Okay, so they’re going to get some schooling. But what are they afraid of having us, their tuition payers, monitor the class? That we’ll see them as a bunch of dunces? Hell, we already know that.

• A minister in Plaquemines parish was arrested for stealing money from a fund he established for members of his flock to acquire FEMA trailers for them following Hurricane Katrina.

  Before you rush to judgment on this guy, consider. Maybe he’d gotten some divine enlightenment about the heatlh hazards that would eventually be discovered with those trailers, and so he was really tring to defend his parishoners from danger. OK, so what if he did spend the money he took on the drugs the cops found? Perhaps he was only killing two birds with one stone and buying it all up himself to deliver them from temptation, as well.

• A modular home contractor was extradited to Louisiana from Florida on charges that he defrauded Road Home Grant recipients of money. He promised them modular homes that never got delivered. My question is why these victims had to turn to a Florida man to get ripped off when there’s plenty of contractors in this state who are perfectly capable of doing the same thing?
• The LSU Data Center released a report that reveals, although Louisiana is gaining population, it is losing college graduates and replacing them with people of lower educational levels. At this rate, before you know it, anybody with one of those new dumbed-down Career High School Diplomas will be considered a bonafide genius.

  It’s just like solving your weight problem by hanging around with only fat people. What’s wrong with that?

• The Saints are now 3-0. Was that a hint of a cool Brees that was felt down there in Hades?
• LSU is 4-0 and 4th in the polls. A win is a win, they say. And a $2 scratch-off prize is a also a winning lottery ticket.

It’s been a wild week in Louisiana, but what else is new? Here’s a summary of just some of the stories that unfolded last week:

• Perhaps the most surprising development was that the New Orleans Saints jumped off to a 2-0 record to start the 2009 NFL season. There was little fanfare after the opening win against the Detroit Lions, who hadn’t won a game since the last Model T rolled off Ford Morors’ assembly lines. However, they really turned some heads by going into Philadelphia and upsetting the Eagles, who were heavily favored despite having to resort to starting Kevin Kolb at quarterback, him being the only Eagles’ passer who was not injured on on parole. Drew Brees emerged as the hero in the early going, already having accumulated enough passing yards to span Lake Ponchatrain. The season is still young, however, so hold off a bit before making those ski reservations in hell.

 

• Louisiana Congressman Steve Scalise continues his attempt to RSVP a White House invitation to talk heath care with the President over a few beers on the lawn. Scalese continues to express confidence that they can come to a bipartisan agreement over whther the beer should be draft or bottled. 

 

• The state got yet another failing grade by a national nonprofit group, this time on the quality of education and healthcare. Rapides parish officials respond by urging citizens stop watching television, believing that excessive viewing is a major cause for poor school performance and unhealthy lifestyles. This is expected to do little good, as people have mostly shut of thier sets, tired of seeing President Obama on every channel including QVC.

 

• Following an initial euphoria over the end of the long summer drought, state residents became disillusioned as mosquitoes once again rose from the bayous in vast numbers. Farmers who before could not feed thier cattle on the dry grasslands now face a new problem as they see thier herds being carried off by the swarms. And speaking of pests…

 

• Intelligence agents from the LSU Ag Center report that a new species of what they call “crazy ants” are massing at the Texas border in apparent preparations for a full scale invasion of the state. These ants, they say, form massive colonies with multiple queens and suffer from severe inbreeding, thus making them so crazy. Still, Ag Center officials warn that they are a force to be reckoned with, as they form massive swarms that move haphazardly, much like revelers descending on the French Quarter on Fat Tuesday. Law enforcement agencies in western parishes vowed to set up highway checkpoints this weekend to nab the intruders.

Just when we were beginning to hope that our nation’s skies might get a little friendlier, I read of this shocking incident where, once again, some passengers are locked overnight on a cramped airplane . This time, it happened in Rochester, Minnesota, and Continental Airlines was the culprit. Or maybe not.

Continental, as you may know, is one of the airlines that decided to implement a surcharge of $15 a bag to lose you luggage.

The flight from Houston was originally destined for Minneapolis. The troubles began when severe weather forced the plane to be diverted to Rochester, 85 miles away. It landed there just after midnight last Saturday.

The story is best told through the announcements of the airline attendant as the ordeal wore on:

12:15 AM: “We are very sorry, but we cannot allow anyone to get off the plane right now. The good news is that you can be assured Continental Airlines is not at fault for any of this. We will remain here on the ground in Rochester until we can determine with certainty who exactly is to blame.”

So, the passengers sat on the tarmac, a mere 50 yards from the relative comfort of the airport terminal.

1:30 AM: “Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to report that we are making progress in our investigation as to who is to blame for this unfortunate incident. At this point, we have also ruled out our regional carrier, ExpressJet Airlines. We are currently working on the theory that airport officials here in Rochester are the ones responsible. It is also my duty to report that we have run out of mini-pretzels. The good news, however, is that pretzels will only make you thirsty, and we are discontinuing beverage service because all of the toilets are completely full.”

3:00 AM: “You will be happy to know that we have made further progress in our investigation. We have now cleared the airport officials of any blame. Our investigators are now working on the theory that it is the Department of Homeland Security who is actually at fault, as all of the security screeners have gone home for the evening. This seems to be why no one is being allowed inside the terminal.”

“I also wish to apologize for not having enough pillows and blankets to go around for you all, but the good news is that you really won’t be able to sleep anyway with all of the babies crying all night.”

5:00 AM: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are getting much closer to determining who is at fault in this matter. Our team of three investigators have now definitely ruled out the Department of Homeland Security, as they were acting under strict federal rules. Our team is pursuing several other possible scapegoats at this time. One investigator thinks it’s George Bush’s fault, another thinks it’s Barack Obama’s, and the third is blaming his ex-wife.”

“Also, as it is now 5AM, I am happy to report that I have now worked the maximum number of hours allowed under federal law, and so I am going home now to have a martini and take a nice, long, hot bubble bath. My replacement will keep you informed as to further progress.”

Some relief finally arrived an hour later, when security screeners showed up for work, passengers were allowed in the terminal, and were served a complimentary beverage in a four-ounce cup with three ounces of ice.

As of today, Continental’s investigation into who was to blame had not yielded any firm conclusion aside from the fact that it was definitely not the airline. Nonetheless, they did offer the inconvenienced passengers free vouchers for a future Continental incarceration.

Losing the luggage will still cost extra.

I came across this story earlier in the week about a Texas man who was arrested in Mansfield on drug charges when some construction workers called police after noticing him crawling “on his hands and knees, eating mud, and growling like a dog”. I don’t know what kind of drugs this guy was on, but it makes me recall a song that was out back in the sixties about that sort of thing. It went something like this:

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small
And the one you ate last Thursday made you want to lick your balls
Go ask Alan when he starts to crawl

The construction workers should feel fortunate that the guy didn’t feel inclined to hump one of their legs.

The thing that really got me about this story was the mud eating part. As far as I know, dogs, or any animal for that matter, are not known to eat mud. Now, hypothetically speaking, if I were a dog, I think I would go find the best restaurant in town, hang outside the kitchen door, and beg for scraps. You can do much, much better than mud, with the possible exception of a few all-you–can–eat buffets that I have come across.

Better yet, if I were a dog, I’d go and hang out someplace like the Schooner Wharf Bar in Key West, Florida. It’s one of my favorite bars in Key West, and in this establishment dogs are not only welcome, they’re treated like royalty. But I can’t explain this scene as well as singer/songwriter Michael McCloud. If you’re ever in Key West, you can see him play there most afternoons. So, let’s hear him describe it to you:

C-Murder Mug Shot

Jury selection began Monday in a Jefferson Parish courtroom in the trial of a rapper who goes by the moniker of “C-Murder”. Can you guess what crime he is charged with?

As someone who considers the term “rap music” to be oxymoron, I had never heard of this C-Murder guy before I came across this news story.

The thing that really freaked me out about this story is that the sixteen-year-old kid he’s accused of killing happened to be a huge fan of his. Geez, of that’s how her treats his fans, I’d hate to see what he does to his critics. I think that a dog in Michael Vick’s kennel would fare better than a critic who happens to get in this guy’s face.

Talk about living up to your name. And this isn’t his given name, mind you; it’s one he made up for himself. Perhaps he would have been wiser to have picked a stage name that reflected a less serious infraction, like maybe, “J-walking”. At least that way he wouldn’t be facing a life term, that is, as long as his concert tours avoid Iran and North Korea. Of course, the lyrics to his so-called songs might not be as interesting. For example, how about this:

Hey, man I see dat’ the light is red
But I gotta cross now and get home to my bed
Gotta’ get in that door before half past nine
Or my momma gonna’ whoop my big behind

Now I don’t know diddly-squat about rap, but somehow I don’t think lyrics like these would cut it in that particular genre.

Now that I’ve publicly ridiculed this guy, please pray for me if he ever gets out of jail.

Every year, Princeton University releases a list of the top 20 “Party Schools”. The 2009 version came out last week and, for the second consecutive year, LSU didn’t make the cut. It would appear that things around the Baton Rouge campus have become a bit more ho-hum since 2000, when they topped the infamous list.

Many people, most notably school officials, do not relish the idea of their institution making it onto this particular top twenty. But that is not true for everyone who is associated with the university. Take fraternities, for instance. They’ve got to be really struggling. In fact, the dance floor was practically empty at last year’s toga party at the Tappa Kegga Lagga house. The fraternity seems to have made an unfortunate mistake in scheduling the gala. It ended up being in direct conflict with a lecture by Dr. Hans Kyrghan on the subject “The Genesis and Collapse of Third Millenium North Mesopotamian Civilization,” which attracted a standing-room-only crowd.

This fall, the fraternities may have to pare down Greek Week to Greek Hour-and-a-Half due to lack of participants in key events, such as the “Bobbing for Beers” and “The Hurricane Hurl”. They are also contemplating dropping Beer Pong in favor of the latest campus fad, “Lemonade Pong.”

No, it seems that LSU students are shunning the madcap Greek life for other extracurricular activities such as the glee club, the debate team, and the bridge club. It’s also become much more fashionable to be a nerd, as calculus books, pocket protectors, and scientific calculators have been flying off the shelves at the campus bookstore.

But not to worry, it seems that they’re nowhere close to replacing the homecoming football game with a chess tournament.

According to a story reported by KLFY TV in Lafayette, the sheriff of Iberia Parish has come up with an inventive way to deal with unruly prisoners. He simply has them trade in their normal orange coverall for a pretty pink one and then transfers them to a special cell block with pink-painted walls. His hope, of course, is that the embarrassment suffered by these hardened criminals will discourage unacceptable behavior.

The strategy is a gamble, for sure, but the sheriff has a backup plan. “If, after being subjected to this humiliation, they continue to violate the rules, then we have no choice but to resort to more extreme measures.” The sheriff refused to elaborate on what these further measures are, but a source inside the Iberia Parish Sheriff’s office, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that these included making up the inmates’ beds with Barbie-printed sheets and making them watch Hannah Montana videos.

Some prisoner-rights advocates are protesting these policies as “cruel and unusual punishment”. Some are suggesting that the moves may backfire and possibly even incite a riot. When pressed about this, the Sheriff admitted, “Well, we did have to break up a couple of pillow fights last week.”